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Sometimes I almost wish I was more oblivious regarding what my friends do.

Don't read the rest unless you actually want to read about the stupid stuff I observe and put together into plausible situations that could very well happen, but might not be.

T has a tumblr, and a lot of her friends do to, and naturally I like their blogs but I don't "follow" them because I don't know them and it would just be a little awkward so I just stay a lurker on their pages here and there (simply for the fact that, like I said, I like their stuff), but tonight one of them wrote a text post that says (italics are my thoughts while reading the post, regular text is the post by them):

"You have got to be fucking kidding me. You said you were “too tired” to keep your plans with me tonight.
(wonder who it is they wanted to hang with..)

I sat here fucking waiting. Now you’re out with your “long lost love” from seven years ago.
(fuck.. that sucks.)

(shit! T told me that she and that fucktard she were with each other when she was in sixth grade, which is about the age of 11-12, and she's 18 now and has told me he's the only person she's ever truly loved at this point. Seven fuckin' years. I really hope this isn't her.)

Way to lie to me. You could have at least just said “I’m going to hang out with ___”"

Could be anyone, right? Hope so. But it could very well be her this person's talking about.

BUT, then again T wrote something the other day saying she can't wait to say what she needs to say to someone she can't stand anymore (which, I would think, would be directed toward said fucktard from seven years ago.) So maybe, if it was her and she was hanging out with him, she was finally putting her past in her past-

Ok, stopping this over-analyzing right now because shit, this is not my business.

Man, I could really become a good stalker or something.
Hung out with family today, that was nice, I decided to text her to see if maybe, by some coincidence she'd text me back and she did and that was that. I thought "cool, finally talked to her sometime now, even if it was just a short conversation about icecream". lol.

Few hours later, we're still visiting with family and whatnot, and she texts me outta the blue. Talked for a bit, blah blah blah. It was nice, whatever. I'm overjoyed because hello, she actually wanted to text me, of all people.

I always look forward to looking at her tumblr posts/reblogs because I hope some of them are directed at me (and I'm usually pretty good at deciphering which ones are directed at me and which are directed at other people in her life.), and whatnot, so I log on once we finally get home. Earlier in the day I reblogged one of our mutual friends' posts which was an image saying "i woke up wanting to kiss you" (obviously directed at her), and I guess she reblogged that same friend and added to the bottom of the post "so i did ;]" and that just automatically sent knots to my stomach and pissed me off.

It pissed me off because 1) Fuck, now I wanna know who it was she kissed and why and all this other stupid shit that I shouldn't even care about and 2) Fuck, why am I even caring? It's not like I fucking own her or anything.

It's like every other day I decide to have a "fuck it" attitude about all of this regarding her and not care and whatever, but then the next day I get this almost overwhelming feeling of wanting to touch, or see, or even fuckin' hear from her that I'm like "why did i decide to ever not care?" and then these two days flip flop and whatever. She'll do or say something one day that makes me almost to the point of being sick because I'm just so... I don't even know. Jealous? Possessive? Ugh. But then she'll do or say something another day that reminds me why I fucking love this girl to death.

Like fuck, I'm still beating my self up over the fact that I talked through kissing her. (let alone, i keep remembering that HOLY FUCK THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. and then yeah.) Does she even care? She said it just felt right when she kissed me, and she wanted to do it. Well does that justify me and the fact that every time I see her face I want to kiss it? (I kind of want to get to the point of asking her that, lol. Just to see the reaction in her face and maybe see where that even goes, but ha, probably won't happen because i'm a fucking wuss.)

Goddamnit, why do I care.


That is all I want to know.

Is it going to pay off in the end, or am I just wasting my flipping time? Is there a reason I can't get her out of my head, or that even in my dreams she fails to evade my thoughts?
Because this is turning out to be fucking ridiculous and I sound like all of that teenage drama that I hear people around me at school talking about and whatever (really though, it sometimes takes me a minute to remember that I am just a teenager and that I can't dodge this shit even though I swore to myself that I would never get caught up in that whole "judging how someone feels about you by how they reply to a text or whatnot".)

Fucking damn, man.

I'm rambling, goodnight.


She has a knack of writing things on tumblr that are more than likely directed at me, but I can never be too sure (But I pretty much am.) that confuse the living fuck out of me.

I love you too much to give you me

because i know me.and am the last thing you need

trust me

is what she wrote about an hour ago. If that's not directed toward me, I don't know who it would be for.

So I, in turn, write


I'm a firm believer in gut feelings and such, but you never know until you try, right?

Because trying something and having it not work is not nearly as bad as passing up something that has the possibility of being wonderful.

I've personally been going crazy since Saturday night, it's pretty ridiculous actually.
Every time I think of anything that happened on that night, I feel like I've been jabbed in the chest, but it's a good feeling.
But then I get to thinking, what if that was just that? just a kiss, all it's ever gonna be. is it? And that's when my gut feels like it's been kicked through, and that is definitely not a good feeling. (Then I end up bouncing back and forth between Maybe we can make this work, I will try my damn hardest and Hah? Me? Why would something I want to work out actually work out? and stress myself out and overthink things and feel like crap.)

I've learned a few pieces to the puzzle over the past days, which makes me feel like I'm at a crime scene and everything is finally coming together and making sense and it makes me happy and I just cannot wait to see her again to continue this.
- one of our friends had a clear crush on me (oi vey, lol) in the middle of the year, Taylor apparently told her not to go after me, that she claimed me as hers, even though we were nowhere near what we even are now (which i'm not even sure what that is.)
- i was talking to the friend on friday, or something, and we ended up talking about relationships and how i've never kissed anyone/been kissed, and just thought that was that.
- she apparently texted Taylor and asked if she'd be mad if she (the friend) kissed me, because she subconsciously knew it would make her kiss me sometime (that sometime turned out to be fucking Satruday)
- i also learned that Taylor talks about me to the friend a lot (like I talk about Taylor to the friend)
- i'm probably overthinking the fuck out of all of this, but whatever.
But then she goes and says that (the above that she wrote on tumblr), and it totally negates everything that I've been told and I'm just left sittin' here confused as fuck.

Do I continue to try, even though I know she'll say the same thing again, or just give up?

I sometimes wish I could be that person who goes "look, I rarely get what I want with things like this, and usually let them go and end up regretting it, but this time I'm not going to. Everything I feel when I'm with you is exactly what I want, exactly what I need in someone, and I know you feel it too.'" and actually make a move because I just know deep inside that it could fuckin' work. It really could.

And here's the part of the blog (^) where I just go in circles telling myself it would work.

but why would she kiss me if she felt nothing? does that even make sense? and the hand holding, and the goofy shit we were doing in the car? and godfuckingdamnitihatefeelingsandemotion.


For months, a few of our friends have been trying to push us together/saying things around us specifically to make us look at each other and snicker under our breath/etc,

and it's really driving me nuts now more than ever.

Also, if between now and the Deftones concert in eleven days I don't do something between us (meaning something totally outta my comfort zone, lol.), something is bound to happen on that night.

Hell, I can even blame it on the fact that the lights will be so dim I couldn't see her lips or something, and just had to make sure they were still there. /i'madumbass,don'tmindmelol


Apr. 22nd, 2011

She told me things she says no one else even knows.
I did the same with her. We shared opinions, experiences, fears.
This blows me away. I've always hoped to be that person that someone can tell things like that to.
Holy fuck.
New perspective on some things? I think so.
New level of appreciation/respect for this girl? I think so.
I wish we could have continued until we could no longer think of things no one else knows, until everything was out in the open, but she's got work tomorrow morning, and we both agreed that she should probably sleep some.
She told me she's happy she can tell me things. I fucking love that she even wants to tell me things.
She's really an amazing person, whether she believes it all the time or not.
Is it so much to ask to be hers? I wanna be that person that makes her old habits cease to exist. To be the one person who doesn't unconsciously judge her actions, because they have no clue what's going on. To be that shoulder she really fuckin' needs sometimes.

blah, blah, blah.

I really pretty much hate it when I'm compared to others because I might do one thing that they would do in certain situations.
For example:
I got fed up with a conversation and instead of making a fool out of myself for letting my frustration get to me, I just walked away. My mother then called me by my uncle's name, Brandon (this is the uncle I've ranted about before).

He's scum. Lowest kind of person. Douchebag, asshole, jerk. Makes absolutely terrible decisions, has literally no money because of those decisions, is really not successful, has lost all he's had and worked up for.

Before, I was alright with the comparison, because I missed him (hadn't seen him for however long at the time) and just took it as a joke. But with all the shit he's been shoveling towards the family (well, we haven't had contact with him for quite a few months now, after a blow-up of his), it's starting to wear on me bad.

I don't want to become that, and I refuse to become that, so why the hell would I want to even be called that?


God damn, the things I get upset over. I swear.


i just really fucking love you.

i'm terribly jealous and to be honest, kind of hurt how she just pretty much came swiped you outta my reach.
god damn.

i write you those little things in the pocket journal (every day.) you made for me (only because my other one ran out of paper), and you tell me the pages absolutely make your day, and you look forward to seeing them, my thoughts and feelings on paper, and you genuinely like them. you tell me you love me, and then have to make it clear that you want me to know you really, truly mean it, and aren't just leading me on, and have had a huge crush on me since the beginning of last year (fuck where has the time gone), and this and that and so on and so forth. we text back and forth like perverted idiots, creating situations with our imagination (no readers, not roleplaying, ew.) and have to stop before we get too ahead of ourselves, and are even like that beyond the phone, in class, at lunch, whenever.

then when you're with her and around me, all that seems to go away, like none of it ever ever ever happened and i'm left just sitting there at this table of three awkward as fuck because i'm not gonna talk, because i feel like i'm less than you two, like whatever i'll say is just gonna be dumb anyway (so why say it at all then?) and whatnot. doesn't seem to bother you though, so whatever.

(none of my rants even make sense because i have no structure or organization or finished thoughts, just an fyi.)


i love the girl to bits, i really do, but during most of the time i think of her, (which is most of the time that i'm thinking, anyway), i'm left thinking, is it worth it?


but then again, i always find a reason that it is.


</stupid rant>



With Taylor, it's always always always one step forward, and two steps back.


And it's driving me nuts.

I was messing around with her after the bell rang and someone was like "OH COME ON, CHILL, ya dang lovebirds". I laughed, and she said nothing. Awkward, but ok.

Haa. If only.

Oi vey.

God damn.

I really do not understand my sister and her habit of getting bad grades.
I understand she's not the fastest learner and all that, but COME ON!

The parents have given her chance after chance after chance to start getting better grades. Every opportunity. They've given her plenty of ultimatums but let them slide, given her yet another chance, and such.

In a sense, I really wish she could see what's actually gonna happen if they put their foot down, which they're pretty much starting to. (if she doesn't get crap up this time, they're putting her in homeschool, she loses privileges to her laptop, can't hang with friends, etc etc)

Like. I never had issues with getting bad grades and dealing with the consequences, but I was terrified of what could happen.

I had no clue what could happen so I made sure to steer clear of it all.

Which in turn makes me feel guilty for being a A/B grade kid (well except for chemistry, but he hasn't updated the gradebook), and for working my ass off to get what i want and such.

It doesn't make sense, but it is what it is.



Why are you bringing another flipping child into the world when you're living in a house that consists of three adults and three kids already (mind you in TWO bedrooms), aren't paying rent (or at least the power bill that you were supposed to get switched over in your name), and can't keep your shit straight???

I would really like to know these things, quite frankly. But then again, why do I even care?